A little while ago, while trying to de-clutter my home, I sent a box of fabric I had collected to a lovely young artist in a faraway land. She sent me some of her native creatures my way. Let me just say.....
I want to live in SnuggleMuffins World!
If you just want to see her art, I mean world, here is her Flickr site too.
This is such a reward for thinning out my fabric stash!
I will take better photos of them, I think one will accompany me while I am out and about, I will take them on field trips. ;-)
Snugglemuffin,
THANK YOU SO MUCH! Mr. Lavender and I are Delighted to be a home for these magnificent creatures and drawings. The bookmark is holding my place in a new photography book, The prints are going to be framed an put up in my home, The heart hangs next to another heart on the knobs of my kitchen cabinets, the cabinet holding cookies and candy of course, The card is in my box of keep sakes, the stickers found their way onto my 3 year old niece's body, and the dolls are all around my home, on bookcases, couches, and tables. They add such a playful joyful energy to my home. I THANK you so much!!!!!
XO,
Lavender
What is something that can always make you feel better?
Submitted by meehshellA new Coen Bros film. Or 2 Martinis.
Mr. Lavender and I go here to walk in the woods, to smell the roses in the garden, to play on the beach, to watch the sunset. In a month we will be going to a wedding here.
As I was snapping away at the sunset, I had the feeling we were not alone, and looked down on the other side of the fence I was leaning on for stability, and there were three raccoons churring at us. So CUTE!!!! It was a Mom and her two kits, who were almost full grown. The Mom was holding the most curious back from us with both arms held around the waist of the young one. She knew humans are an animal not to be trusted, you cannot tell when or who will harm or have a hand out. This is a problem even for us humans.
It was a lovely evening, cool, wind blowing, sky glowing, raccoons churring. Who could ask for more in that moment?
Bad news, I had to stop working with Lucy on our book. My anxiety was so bad that I found taking pictures becoming a chore rather than a thrill. Photography has been an activity that opened my eyes, helped me breathe, and showed me all the beauty of the world. leisurely thing for me to do. While working on this project I started only looking for things that might work for the book rather than all the beauty the world has to offer. I started feeling anxious when Ruby was in hand, that has always been the opposite. I stopped enjoying the photographic journey. This is a huge problem for me because Ruby was my anti anxiety pill, she was my anti depressant. Through her lens I see a different world, magical. I feel that sometimes I can see the magic in the photos themselves. That makes me so happy, and that is enough for me. I really asked myself hard critical questions, looking at my photos in the file for use in the book. I see how much I have grown since taking those photos, and have continued to grow. The photos are very amateurish, honestly they are. There are so many technical mistakes that need correcting, and many were taken with my old camera and I cropped them so close that they will never look good in print. I feel that Lucy's poetry deserves more than that. I do not have that yet. That is okay, it is still early in my photography journey. I start a new class in the Fall, hoping to learn more about composition and lighting.
I feel horrible about not being honest with Lucy or myself through this journey. I let us both down. I said yes to this project because I was flattered, but did not ask myself honestly if I was truly ready for this kind of commitment, and professional quality. Both answers are a No, I am not ready. I wanted to be, but that does not matter. If you want to be ready and force it, it never really works out. I have to wait until I am ready, and I may never be ready for this kind of project. I need to be happy with what I have, a great camera and beauty around every corner.
I wish Wonderful things For Lucy, she truly is a talented poet who taught me a lot during this process. I am sorry I could not hold the same professional attitude for her as she held for me. I tried and failed, she deserves more. ;-)
So that said, I will post photos on my blog. And for me, that really is enough.
Thank you all for so much support and so many lovely comments on my photos. It adds so much richness to my life, it really does. Thank You!
I'm a tiny bit ashamed to admit how late I am in getting into the writing of George Saunders. I read Pastoralia last year and recently finished up his first short story collection, CivilWarLand in Bad Decline. Both were amazing and I really need to track down the rest of his books. In the meantime, I have decided to write out brief synopses of the stories and the novella included in CivilWarLand in Bad Decline. Maybe they'll sound good to you and you'll want to check it out.
CivilWarLand in Bad Decline
The story from which the collection takes its name is about what happens when a struggling Civil War theme park hires a sociopath to deal with its gang violence problem. We don't need to go into the details, but let's just say that's not a very good idea. "CivilWarLand in Bad Declind" features a beautiful last sentence.
Isabelle
"Isabelle" is about a man and his handicapped daughter. It isn't a touchy-feely Hallmark movie-of-the-week story, though. It's full of murders and suicides and bags of human ears. Try making a movie out of that.
The Wavemaker Falters
The third story in the collection is about a man who accidentally kills a boy at a water park while oogling an all-girl glee club lying around in their bathing suits.
The 400 Pound CEO
"The 400 Pound CEO" tells the story of an obese man who works at Humane Raccoon Alternatives, a company that claims to release captured raccoons into an idyllic wild, but actually beats them to death with tire irons and dumps them in a burial pit out back.
Offloading for Mrs. Schwartz
This is my favorite story from CivilWarLand in Bad Decline. In it, a man overwhelmed by guilt uses technology to make life easier for himself and his elderly companion. This story is similar to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but predated it by almost 10 years. If you think George Saunders is too weird or distant or dystopian or Pynchonesque, then you must read this story. The last few paragraphs will break your heart.
Downtrodden Mary's Failed Campaign of Terror
This story is about a woman in her 90s who works in a museum. Her name is Mary. She's downtrodden. She engages in a campaign of terror. It fails.
Bounty
"Bounty" is the novella included at the end of CivilWarLand in Bad Decline. It's one of those post-apocalyptic tales I like so much. In it, America has bacome a country in which people are divided into two groups, the Flawed and the Pures. The protagonist in "Bounty", a Flawed with claws on his feet, heads out on the road to find his vestigial-tailed prostitute sister, who may or may not have been sold into slavery by a rich client. His journey brings him into contact with a strange assortment of rubes, slave catchers, and Flawed revolutionaries.
So there you go. That's it. Six short stories and a novella packaged together in one 192 page collection. If you keep up on short stories, you've probably already read CivilWarLand in Bad Decline. If you don't, or if the book managed to slip by your radar, you should probably remedy that right away.
thanks, rogue
Your result for The Personality Defect Test...
Robot
You are the Robot! You are characterized by your rationality. In fact,
this is really ALL you are characterized by. Like a cold, heartless
machine, you are so logical and unemotional that you scarcely seem
human. For instance, you are very humble and don't bother thinking of
your own interests, you are very gentle and lack emotion, and you are
also very introverted and introspective. You may have noticed that
these traits are just as applicable to your laptop as they are to a
human being. You are not like the robots they show in the movies. Movie
robots are make-believe, because they always get all personable and
likeable after being struck by lightning, or they are cold, cruel
killing machines. In all reality, though, you are much more boring than
all that. Real robots just sit there, doing their stupid jobs, and
doing little else. If you get struck by lightning, you won't develop a
winning personality and heart of gold. (Robots don't have hearts,
silly, and if they did, they would probably be made of steel, not
gold.) You also won't be likely to terrorize humanity by becoming an
ultra-violent killing machine sent into the past to kill the mother of
a child who will lead a rebellion against machines, because that movie
was dumb as hell, and because real robots don't kill--they horribly
maim at best, and they don't even do that on purpose. Real robots are
boringly kind and all too rarely try to kill people. In all my years,
my laptop has only attacked me once, and that was only because my
brother threw it at me. In short, your personality defect is that you
don't really HAVE a personality. You are one of those annoying,
super-logical people that never gets upset or flustered. Unless, of
course, you short circuit. Or if someone throws a pie at you. Pies sure
are delicious.
Last year when I decided to quit drinking I agreed to take my therapist's advice an start an anti-depressant. I had been so depressed and SO self-medicated for so long that it made sense to me despite my mixed feelings about pharmacology. I started on Cymbalta (an SNRI) which made me feel REALLY WEIRD. I was light-headed and spaced out and had a very hard time waking up in the morning. So I switched to Wellbutrin, which is a Dopamine enhancer. I wasn't depressed, but I was terminally cranky and a bit anxious (I have problems with anxiety as well as depression). So we reduced the Wellbutrin and added a low dosage of Lexapro (SSRI) which takes the edge off. This seems to work well for me, but I am still medicated, which is what I don't want to be for the long haul.
Today I visited the Doc who prescribes me these treats and she asked if I was thinking about going off medication, since I am doing so well. I am - but I want to make sure i'm very much in "depression remission" before I start to mess with a good thing. We decided to wait until Spring, then begin the weaning off. She made a comment that struck me, along the lines of, "we want to make sure you're in the habits of exercise and doing what you love, and then we can reduce the dosage." It's such a simple formula: exercise and do what you love. But who could be depressed doing those things every day?
1. a flake
2. a procrastinator
3. inhibited
4. fearful
5. shy
6. self loathing (getting better though)
7. anxious
8. too cautious
9. self conscious
Who I am and like that I am:
1. joyful
2. cheerful
3. pleasant
4. loyal
5. kind
6. loving
7. encouraging
8. creative
9. playful
10. caring
11. open minded (I hope)
12. Me
My anxiety has been out of control lately. Attacks, tight chest, sleeplessness, so much so that I have been physically ill. I have thought about medications again, the problem is that I do not want to be on one that I take every day. I will forget and screw with my emotions so much by doing that. I would like to take one that will help just when I am feeling anxious, but it is addictive. I have a very addictive personality and do not want to become addicted.This is why I never tried recreational drugs, I did not want to fuck myself up like my mother, step mother, uncles, etc. There is something not quite right about them all. Anyway, I have just been pushing myself in so many directions. Sigh..... maybe I should seek a counselor again. That is most likely my answer.
Here are a few more photos from my Portland visit. Enjoy!
goals, or whathaveyous:
- polish sample chapter for memoir submission
- dishes: wash them
- laundry: clean, folded, and stowed
- floors: de-crusted
- gym: twice
- yoga: one official class...
icky:
- did not get up early enough to go to gym
- my brain seems to be stuck in neutral
- too many fucking meetings
- I showed up at a Dr. appointment at the wrong time last week, so now I have to go back... all the way to Lake City
- the "MobileMe" logo... um, Apple?
- pudding addiction
- cruddy, crumby, crusty floors
- not being on one side of the fence or the other, while also not comfortably seated on it
- writing stall
- meeting new people
- cool rain after oppressive heat
- jumping in a lake
- fall travel plans
- good walking sandals
- emotional stability
- paying down debt
- payday in less than a week
- new clients I like
- housing market is looking favorable for my condo plans
- getting a raise at the end of september